MELBOURNE!

I don't know if you saw this in The Age - but in case you missed it like I nearly did you may get a smile out of this...
YOU know you're from Melbourne if …
- When diarising anything in September you first consult the footy fixture.
- You were shocked when you found out not all street directories are called Melway.
- When everyone knows where a bar, cafe or restaurant is you no longer want to go there.
- You know Sunshine, Rosebud and the Caribbean Gardens are not as good as they sound.
- You consider yourself a socialist yet you drive a European car and have a cleaner.
- You'd rather sit next to Guy Rundle on a plane than Guy Pearce.
- You've attended a children's party that had rice-paper rolls, cous cous salad, croquembouche and a pinata.
- You or someone you know has received a grant.
- It's not Noosa, it's Noysa. It's not snow it's the snoy. And it's Malvern now, not Chadstone, thanks to rezoning.
- You refer to rococo furniture as "very Franco Cozzo".
- You felt betrayed when you discovered Melbourne was not the only place in the world with trams.
- You think the slogan on our licence plates should be "Melbourne. The Coffee Is Shit Anywhere Else", "Melbourne. Go To Sydney. We Hate Tourists" or " Melbourne. What School Did You Go To?"
- You know the word ''Moomba'' means Up Your Bum, White Man.
- You're not happy Melbourne has been voted the World's Most Liveable City. You'd prefer it was voted "Most Enigmatic, Tortured And Slightly Dangerous City".
- You think the only person who looks good with a moustache is Ron Barassi.
- You've looked out the window of Puffing Billy and waved like an idiot at the cars at the railway crossing. And you've watched Puffing Billy pass as you sat in a car at the railway crossing, and waved like an idiot.
- You think beyondblue does great work but you hate the way it makes Jeff Kennett look good. Which is depressing.
- Any music by Paul Kelly makes you suddenly think of the Nylex sign and something about making gravy.
- When you meet someone from Kew, you always ask "Near Kew?"
- Jon Faine shits you but you can't switch him off.
- You've been to the Royal Melbourne Show and the scariest ride is the train home.
- You don't get the jokes about the Yarra. Or Melbourne weather.
- When you hear the word ''Bougainville'' you think of Northland.
- You don't judge people on their looks, wealth or status but on the bread they buy, the coffee they serve and the newspaper they read.
- You know a kid with two mummies.
- You pretend the Sydney-Melbourne rivalry doesn't exist. Which it doesn't. Because Sydney doesn't care. And that really shits you.
- You brag Melbourne is the creative capital of Australia, but your walls are full of signed football jumpers.
- When someone says thanks you say, "No Dromanas."
- When you hear the word ''Easter'' the first thing you think of is the Royal Children's Hospital Appeal and Zig and Zag. And then you quickly think of something else.
- If someone is referred to as a ''showbag'' you know it means they're cheap and full of shit.
- Your kid's favourite foods are sushi, spanakopita and felafel. Which are also the names of the three kids they sit next to at school.
- If a friend gets a new boyfriend or girlfriend, your first question is, ''Who do they barrack for?''
- You think if we all ignore Federation Square, Docklands and Robert Doyle they'll go away.
- You can list all the ingredients in pesto. And you're three years old.
- Cup Day. Gambling at 9am. Drunk by noon. Broke at 3.20pm. Asleep by 4pm. Hungover at 5pm. All while at work.
- You think Aberfeldie is a tartan, Coonan's Hill is a wine and South Wharf is in Sydney.
- Chopper Read, Ned Kelly, Squizzy Taylor, the Morans and the Williamses. Sure they're crims, but we all agree they've given the place colour.
- You lose respect for friends if they move over the other side of the river.
- When holding a dinner party, you know the point is to serve food no one has ever heard of, from a country people didn't know existed, bought from a little shop they'll never be able to find.
- You were against the casino but, you have to admit, it does keep the bogans out of the city.
- Pot, cantaloupe, potato cake and hook turn. Build a bridge and get over it.
By Catherine Deveny